the unsung hero’s underdog

A sunny Sunday afternoon, but I am not enjoying the sun. I’m home treating a cold in my  turquoise varsity sweater, snuggled crossed legged on my yellow canary arm chair. 

Last Friday, Malaysia was saddened by the news of our 6 brave firefighters that drowned whilst on a rescue mission. Knowing very well of the risk of the unforgiving water current,they jumped in anway without a second thought. Now leaving behind grieving families, widows, fatherless children. I’m sorry I didnt read more detail about the inccident. I just couldn’t. But you can read about it here : https://www.bbc.com/news/world-asia-45742061

Coincidentally a new Malaysian movie just got released; PASKAL. Paskal is about a team of Malaysian special forces and their sacrifices are not only great but hard on them physically, mentally and emotionally. But on top of that their greatest sacrifice is leaving behind the people they love most. 

Hearing about the sacrifice of the 6 firefighters and wathcing the movie Paskal, and seeing how with their families half hearted blessing in their jobs.. it just  hit too close to home. I am a proud spouse to a person whom is in the force. Being with someone who is always leaving for days, coming and going at the crack of dawn. Family time is a luxury even a privillege to some, but yet they still get up put an assuring smile on their face and push through. 

Please don’t misunderstand me. I do not mean every work or career is less important. Every work and career has it’s sacrifices and struggles. And I respect that. But I am only talking about the career that has impacted me and my family as I can relate to it more. And the family of the 6 firefighters. 

Watching your husband get a call on oddly hours and he instantly kisses your forehead and says “i  love you” and gets up and leaves... not knowing where he is going, how long will he be gone nor wheather he will come back with a beat still left in his heart. But... you as the wife, as the “underdog” you smile your biggest smile to accompany him and as much doa and prayer as you possibly can. 

But what saddens me the most, is their line of work is rarely appericiated, morsely acknowledged. Mostly mistreated and ignored, untill something horrible happens like the tragic death of the 6 firefighters. Then only will the unsung heroes be heard. 

Why don’t they quit? Stop what they are doing and just find another simpler job. A steady 9-5 job. When you work without money being your sole puprose it is a higher cause, one will never truly understand. Knowing the daily sacrifices and risks waiting for them, they still do it because they believe in a greater cause. Knowing not only their families are safe but other familes are safe as well. This is a greater cause. 

So the next time you hear someone about to diss a person whom is in the force, stop them. Respect the sacrifices there are taking or the very least respect their families that willingly accept for coming second. Coming second for country and citizens. 

Every work requires sacrifices, big and small. We sacrifice for causes that may be different but more or less the same. We fight we struggle we get up in the morning doing whatever it takes for the smiles and happiness of the people we love. So appericiate each other and what little time is gifted to us. You may never know when is the last time. 

Have a beautiful day people, love hug and enjoy..

I Am Not Very Nice

Hai people..

The last time I wrote was this year April, and now I am writing again.. HEY! I'm getting on a little more on the blogging thing.

Moving along, my statement "I Am Not Very Nice". Recently my family had a short vacation in Gunung Jerai, Kedah. On a side note, you guys should check it out, if you are the type of person that loves flora and mountains and cool morning view from on top of the mountain, you should really check it out.

Okay, anyway my family went on a weekend trip and unfortunately I couldn't go because my Mr couldn't get off work. So we had to stay behind. But it was cool, I had a wonderful weekend with catching up on books that I have been meaning to read, had a lazy Netflix marathon weekend and wonderful quality time with Mr. Moving along, when my family got back they were feeling sorry that I couldn't join them. But all I said was "Oh, its okay. I had fun anyway", and my family was actually hurt by what I said.

Then I realised, what I said was actually mean. It implied that I was having fun preferably without them around. Here they were, thinking about me on the family trip wishing I was there so I could have fun WITH them, and here I am going all I'm having fun WITHOUT them.

So, that is where my title of today's blog came from. Because all this while i thought I was the nicest person in my family. If you needed help, Im there, or if you need a favour Im also there to offer a hand. Most of my weekends and sometimes weekdays will have a little of responsibilities that I have to do for my family members, which always makes me think that I am the nicest because I incorporate their lives in mine, but what I said was just plain mean.

It knocked me a few inches down, I didn't realise that actually I felt that I was sitting on a self-made pedestal all this while. I felt that people owed me, for the time that I gave them and felt that I could say anything I want because I am never mean them. But I was wrong.

Thinking about yourself as a positive empowered person is not wrong. But thinking that you are better than others is totally wrong. I knew thinking that I am better then people IS wrong, and I would NEVER do that. But actually I WAS INFACT DOING IT! I was thinking I was better of without my family, that is why I didn't think by saying I had fun during the weekend without considering their feelings. I could have said it in 1000 other ways but I choose to say it callously.

But I am thankful that I realise what I said was wrong, (also thanks to my sisters who pointed it out). I think we all should always take a momentary step and reevaluate ourselves, because we as adults knows what is wrong and right, what we should do and should not do. But sometimes it is not the case, because we may not realise we are already doing it.

So today, I stepped down from my self made pedestal and started to take extra caution in making sure I am a nice person. Before I say something bad about another person I STOP and reflect on my own behaviour. I hope this writing will remind you and myself to reflect on our behaviours time and time again, so we can constantly be nice and possible make the world a less mean place.

Thank you for reading my rambles, and I honestly hope you have a wonderful day ahead.

Passion Search

Hai guys!!!

I'm writing more then twice a year, I have to say that is a record (gives myself a pat on the back).  If you read my old post you would know I changed jobs. Well let me tell you a little bit about my job. I have a high KPI that I am suppose to reach every month, and every month the KPI increases. So it dosen't matter if I didn't reach the last KPI, I will still need to pull my weight and reach a higher KPI the following month. Now, I have never been in a extremely pressured situation. I'm used to a mild pressure, or even during certain periods of time of pressure because I use to handle events only at certain times and for certain periods.

Well... this job made me literally feel like I was drowning. The company that I am working for is an international company that has branches spread out in South East Asia and beyond. Every detail of your work will need to be keyed in in some sort of portal. One portal for work, another for reporting, another for HR matters and so on. To be honest, I felt like I was literally drowning and I wanted to cry almost everyday. I really felt I couldn't do it. I just don't belong here. One month passed and my feelings about the job didn't change. I was ready to search for a new job, was ready to call quits and admit I suck at this. I beat myself quite bad as I feel that other people can handle bigger stress more then I, but I couldn't take this. I was so stressed out at the feeling that I am so stupid and shitty all I did that month is go home and just fell on my bed and didn't move till the next morning.

But, one day whilst I was scrolling through instagram I came across this picture.

And I really felt that. I was so uninspired I felt stuck. I didn't want to work for someone and achieve their dream and one day realised my dream was buried under stress and tired. So I shook what sleep that still clung to me and sat down with paper and pen and listed down all the things I am passionate about and the things that I am good at. This was my list.

Passionate:
1. Business
2. Beading
3. Selling something
4. Reading
5. Writing
6. Shoes
7. Talking

Good at:
1. Smiling
2. Listener
3. Talking when i want to
4. Faking confidence
5. Being confident with my own skin where-ever I am

As you can see my list is nonsense. But its ok, this is MY list. What I am confident at. I didn't need my list to follow someone's guideline. What I got from my list is I love a certain act but I don't have a focus of my passion. Now, I know that passion is not something you wake up and decide.. today I am taking up photography. Passion takes time, energy and most important passion is not written in stone where you can't have another passion in future.

So I started slow, whenever I got back from work all stressed and wound up, I take a cooling shower, slowly shutting down/pausing my work brain and open up my brain for me. Yes I was tired. Yes I would rather pass out on my comfy cotton bed. But NO, I am not going to let myself left unnoticed.

I started small, I started beading again. But OMG I tell you starting something from scratch again is such a pain. I don't have all the material needed, i keep having to go to the shop back and forth, back and forth. ANNOYING!!!!! But when I sat down and added the first bead, then the second then on and on I went. I didn't know where I was, it was therapeutic and every muscle in my body loosened up and relaxed. The act of repeating a beading act on a plain material became such a soothing feeling. After it was done, there was some wrongly placed, or looked crooked and messy but it didn't matter. All that mattered at that moment is I DID THIS, FOR ME and for me this was the most BEAUTIFUL piece I have ever seen.

And amazingly when I started working on myself, my work life became easier. I started feeling calm, I started to have a clear head on things, I felt more sure more confident. I also started to slowly hitting my KPI. My work didn't feel so stressed anymore because I know I am going home to something that is my own. I am still searching for my passion, something that will continue grow into that thing that I want to do for a living or for the rest of my life.

I wish you all the best dear readers in searching your very own passion that will ignite your heart and let you lead a more fulfilling life. I believe you can never go wrong when you keep the care for yourself in check. I believe with this experience just confirms that taking care of yourself means you are a better version of yourself in other areas as well. And passion/dream/hobby is your personal outlet to cater to yourself.

Good luck in your passion searching, and don't be shy to share your passion with me.

Nitessssss......

Hijab Day

Hai Everyone...

This is a late post.. I really need to keep track of my timing.

Hijab, Hijab is a head covering worn in public by Muslims. Source from google.

Recently my social media is filled with hijabis, posting about Hijab Day. Maybe I have been living under a stone, but I didn't know there was a hijab day. But thank you media social now I know. Going through my social media feed I saw there was a lot of sisters sharing their hijab journey, before and after hijab.

I know it is cliche but if you wouldn't mind, I would like to share my hijab journey as well.

I don't think my hijab journey is much different from the next sister. I was a free hijab girl for up to 28 years old. I have always considered donning a hijab impossible for me. I loved my hair, I loved my clothes, and most of my clothes were either short or tight. I really felt that I was not ready and probably wont be. Further more is I was to be wearing a hijab for me is like screaming that I am muslim and I am good. That is what I felt, and wearing the hijab means I carry the responsibility to be that perfect muslim. That weight of responsibility was too much for me. I shied away from the hijab.

Turning 29 I started to feel like my head was naked. It was a hilarious feeling but I felt like my head was exposed. I didn't know why. Styling my hair was nearly impossible, because I felt like my hair didn't want to cooperate. I felt envious of my sisters who is that time both wearing hijab. They felt so sure of themselves, so positive so in tuned.

Then I started to wonder about the feeling of donning the hijab. I wondered what would it feel like. By chance, my elder sister started a small hijab business. I started off being her model of hijab. Sort of my real hijab experience, and it was...cooling. Which was one of my biggest fear if I was to don the hijab, that it will be to hot for me to function. Then I started small, going out short trips with hijab on.

The day I finally wore the hijab was by far the most shocking to me and memorable. I was in Perak me and Mr was going to attend a friends wedding and because it was to be held in a mosque I was needed to wear hijab, so I did, we went to the ceremony all is well, then we went back to the hotel to rest and later in the afternoon head back to the house for the reception. As we were heading out of the hotel room I mindlessly graded the my hijab and wore it. Mr called out and asked why was I wearing it? I remembered the feeling when I answered him. I said " I cannot imagine walking out without it". That was that, Alhamdulillah until today I am still wearing it with some bad hijab days but never do I feel leaving the house without it.

My hijab, my choice.

First Day Jitters

Hello...

Now it's 11PM and I should be getting some sleep but all I can think of is how nervous I am for tomorrow...

Well today's post I want to talk about first time jitters. I believe I speak for everyone that we have at one point of time in our lives has had first day jitters. "Jitters" I guess it's a hippi way of saying "there are butterflies in my stomach". Jitters is not by far anxiety. Small nervousness that may be overcome, nevertheless it is still there and apparent.

Before I talk more about it, I should tell you what I am jittery about. Tomorrow is my first day of work at a new company! I am soooo jittery I cannot shut my eyes. I know I should be sleeping so I could get a good night well rested sleep, but I can't!

In my head multiple scenes are unravelling one at a time. For example, what if I went to work and somehow fall down flat on my face? Or if I am so nervous I might babble nonsense. Or if I went to work and my shoe broke. Or what if I was late? Or did I get the dates mixed up? Or what if my boss don't like me. Or what if my colleagues don't like me. Or what if I just think it's a bad mistake all together? What was I thinking leaving my comfortable safe zone job for a new one?

One by one these scenes and thoughts unravelling in my head, crowding my head and making me more and more jittery by the moment. But, I don't beat myself up about it. I know that the thoughts are normal thoughts that everyone will naturally feel when you have your first something. Because we want and hope the first day will be amazing and hit such a perfect note that by being perfect is the only way to go. Our expectations are as such that the first day might carve the perfect year or perfect beginning.  First day at school, first day doing your new year resolution, first day as a youtube, first day as a blogger, first day as a wife... there are so many first days that we will experience.

Wanting to have an amazing first day and expecting perfection is not wrong. Having jitters are not something to be worried about too. But we shouldn't let the jitters cloud our sense in experiencing a potential milestone in our lives.. don't you think so?

I believe when you are too nervous your energy will be directed to your ugly thoughts, which may or may not occur. However if they DO occur, always always ALWAYS have a good sense of humour about it. We are humans after all, and we tend do be clumsy or silly or act a little foolish sometimes.

As I know jitters are normal human feelings. And everytime I get my first day jitters I will try and calm myself down by doing the things that makes me feel happy. Having a chat with Mr always soothes me, playing phone games, getting lost in a good book, or just generally unwinding on my bed.

Now I am off to bed before I get panda eyes in the morning. Wish me luck!

Oh and incase you are going to experience your very own First Day.. I wish you all the luck in the world.

Nites..

Change

Hello..

I guess I literally write on my blog once or twice a year. HAHAHA.. I want to say I use to not have a computer or sometimes I just don't have time... but I know all that is just reasons and procrastination. 

Well today I am going to talk about change. In 2017 I have had a few changes, that is worth mentioning. The first is me and my other partners decided to close Pies and Bakes for good. Now this happened quite sudden and in a blink of an eye but nevertheless it was a difficult decision to make. I have worked with Pies and Bakes almost 7-8 years and when the day we stopped production I honestly didn't know what to do with myself. 

The second change is two of my closest colleagues from work left the company for a better opportunity leaving me more or less alone. (Not to mention with a ton more workload). Having both of my workmates leaving at the same time was a bit difficult for me because we worked marvellously together. Whenever there is a project to be managed I would only work with them and no one else. 

The third change which happened this year, 2018. Is that I quit my job. 

Now, everyone has their own definition of change, whether it's good or bad or nothing significant. But for me the above changes that happened to me was both good and bad. I wanted to feel sad and upset and grumble, because I like how things are now. I don't like change because change means scary and uncomfortable. During the whole time of me being moody and difficult I forgot that change is what you make of it. 

I forgot change may look difficult now but it may derive to something better. 

I took a moment, I took things one day at a time, putting one foot in front of the other and tried my best to make that day amazing for me. 

Closing down Pies And Bakes was a heartbreak. But the lessons I learnt along the way was priceless. No business book in the world could have thought me what I learnt during those years working as a Business Development for Pies and Bakes. And having extra time on my hand, I got to spend it with Mr. I got to take holidays, short road trip and even pick up a new hobby. 

When my two colleagues left for a better opportunity, I got to really show off my managing skill to my boss, and he realising that I am good at my job. Moreover I made new friends, which opened a different perspective in things and we clicked too. I also learned not to rely on my former colleagues, which means I learnt a lot more things and took up more challenges which I honestly think developed me more and more everyday. 

And for me quitting my job, well it's not in vain. I quit my job to head to a new job. Hopefully a better opportunity, a better position. A bigger company where I can learn or relearn more skill and to better myself with the opportunities provided to hopefully prepare me for a better tomorrow. 

I sound like an advertisement don't I? But I honestly feel that. I was...AM nervous about going to work in a new environment with large scale expectations and ways, but nevertheless excited. Because I am giving my self the opportunity to grow. Any life experience is valuable and if you try to get it of a book, it may still not be the same. 

Growing, I think is so important for an individual. Because the world is always changing always adapting, we need to grow to settle in the world full of things you cannot even understand. And without Change there will be no Growth. 

So to those who is going through changes, be brave and take a deep breath. Have faith and put one foot in front of the other. You will realise change as it feels bad is sometimes a good thing.