I'm writing more then twice a year, I have to say that is a record (gives myself a pat on the back). If you read my old post you would know I changed jobs. Well let me tell you a little bit about my job. I have a high KPI that I am suppose to reach every month, and every month the KPI increases. So it dosen't matter if I didn't reach the last KPI, I will still need to pull my weight and reach a higher KPI the following month. Now, I have never been in a extremely pressured situation. I'm used to a mild pressure, or even during certain periods of time of pressure because I use to handle events only at certain times and for certain periods.
Well... this job made me literally feel like I was drowning. The company that I am working for is an international company that has branches spread out in South East Asia and beyond. Every detail of your work will need to be keyed in in some sort of portal. One portal for work, another for reporting, another for HR matters and so on. To be honest, I felt like I was literally drowning and I wanted to cry almost everyday. I really felt I couldn't do it. I just don't belong here. One month passed and my feelings about the job didn't change. I was ready to search for a new job, was ready to call quits and admit I suck at this. I beat myself quite bad as I feel that other people can handle bigger stress more then I, but I couldn't take this. I was so stressed out at the feeling that I am so stupid and shitty all I did that month is go home and just fell on my bed and didn't move till the next morning.
But, one day whilst I was scrolling through instagram I came across this picture.
And I really felt that. I was so uninspired I felt stuck. I didn't want to work for someone and achieve their dream and one day realised my dream was buried under stress and tired. So I shook what sleep that still clung to me and sat down with paper and pen and listed down all the things I am passionate about and the things that I am good at. This was my list.
Passionate:
1. Business
2. Beading
3. Selling something
4. Reading
5. Writing
6. Shoes
7. Talking
Good at:
1. Smiling
2. Listener
3. Talking when i want to
4. Faking confidence
5. Being confident with my own skin where-ever I am
As you can see my list is nonsense. But its ok, this is MY list. What I am confident at. I didn't need my list to follow someone's guideline. What I got from my list is I love a certain act but I don't have a focus of my passion. Now, I know that passion is not something you wake up and decide.. today I am taking up photography. Passion takes time, energy and most important passion is not written in stone where you can't have another passion in future.
So I started slow, whenever I got back from work all stressed and wound up, I take a cooling shower, slowly shutting down/pausing my work brain and open up my brain for me. Yes I was tired. Yes I would rather pass out on my comfy cotton bed. But NO, I am not going to let myself left unnoticed.
I started small, I started beading again. But OMG I tell you starting something from scratch again is such a pain. I don't have all the material needed, i keep having to go to the shop back and forth, back and forth. ANNOYING!!!!! But when I sat down and added the first bead, then the second then on and on I went. I didn't know where I was, it was therapeutic and every muscle in my body loosened up and relaxed. The act of repeating a beading act on a plain material became such a soothing feeling. After it was done, there was some wrongly placed, or looked crooked and messy but it didn't matter. All that mattered at that moment is I DID THIS, FOR ME and for me this was the most BEAUTIFUL piece I have ever seen.
And amazingly when I started working on myself, my work life became easier. I started feeling calm, I started to have a clear head on things, I felt more sure more confident. I also started to slowly hitting my KPI. My work didn't feel so stressed anymore because I know I am going home to something that is my own. I am still searching for my passion, something that will continue grow into that thing that I want to do for a living or for the rest of my life.
I wish you all the best dear readers in searching your very own passion that will ignite your heart and let you lead a more fulfilling life. I believe you can never go wrong when you keep the care for yourself in check. I believe with this experience just confirms that taking care of yourself means you are a better version of yourself in other areas as well. And passion/dream/hobby is your personal outlet to cater to yourself.
Good luck in your passion searching, and don't be shy to share your passion with me.
Nitessssss......
